These next two posts are the most difficult pieces of writing I’ve ever made public. Definitely the most personal (which is saying a lot!! lol….). The fact that this was so difficult to write is kind of weird, because these posts are entirely positive. (I mean, there’ll be some negative stuff in here probably,…
As with our discussions of both Competence and CONTEXT, the fact that social validation is important to us, is pretty obvious. Of course it feels good to be validated, to be accepted, to feel “Seen”! We’ve known that since we were kids and needed, very deeply, for people to pay attention to us. We all…
It is worth briefly considering another very common struggle that people have — “eating healthy”. I’m going to let that stand in for whatever general health, weight, body-stuff, nutrition, etc., that involves food in some way. Because your specific goal? That’s up to you. But “eating healthy” is pretty generic. COMPETENCE ANALYSIS: In order…
When thinking about how to effectively use those “Bridges and Barriers” discussed in the last post, one thing that can be especially helpful, is if you can identify KEY ones, really powerful ones. Especially if you can do something about them. Because why burn up all your time and energy on some super-complex behaviour change…
So what does work then? (NOTE: it’s not Personal Responsibility….lol…..) The thing to emphasize for effective goal pursuit is emphatically NOT “taking personal responsibility.” While not COMPLETELY unimportant (obviously), this whole “make your bed” mantra is only a tiny, tiny piece of the puzzle, and if over-focused on, it becomes basically a huge, shaming, blaming, counterproductive,…
This Final Step, is actually the most important. It’s where you learn to actually “make it so”. It’s where you push the Action Button. It’s where you take all your goals and values and all that abstract shit, and you make it Real. It’s where the rubber hits the road. Without this Final Step,…
There is a common misunderstanding that comes up when trans people start talking about things like changing or ‘adjusting’ themselves in certain ways. For example, tell people that you are “voice training to sound more feminine”, and you will so often hear, “Why not just talk naturally? You don’t need to force your voice to…
Girl vs. Guy Walks It’s pretty obvious that, on average, guys and girls walk a little differently. Of course, this varies, from person to person and culture to culture. Some women walk very ‘masculine’; some men very ‘feminine.’ Etc. But in general, it’s accurate to say that men & women walk a little differently. (Seriously,…
So how might a person start to connect in an embodied way to “the feminine” or “the masculine” energies inside of them?There are obviously no shortage of possibilities. But I decided to choose walking. The neuro-biology of “walking” is so super-cool we would need entirely separate essays to describe it reasonably. But, in brief, walking…
If you have a history of trauma, addiction, self-harm, shame — you know, fun things like that — then as you experience growth and healing, you will also likely experience the “backlash” that follows, and can slam you right back down to the bottom. It’s awfully demoralizing, especially if you don’t know what’s happening. You…
I do, sincerely and excitedly, want to share my story of healing in detail. It’s going to take some time to fully put it together. In the meantime, for this post, I want to share one of the most – stunning – outcomes of this whole experience. Which, in short, is the “spontaneous transformation of…
It is important to recognize (as I obliquely alluded to in the previous post, #137), that when you are “working on self-improvement” in whatever way you are, even “failure” isn’t failure. I truly mean that, not as some cliché but as a deeply-felt truth. Because “working on self-improvement”, even when it “fails”, keeps you open,…
Hello Friend, and welcome back! If you have been following my “From Shitty-ness to Well-ness” series on healing from trauma, I have to apologize to you! I had intended to post the final part of the “Rational Self-Analysis” section already, like, months ago. But wouldn’t you know, the strangest thing happened. As odd as it…
We’ve talked about the self-defeating nature of our Shit Avoidance Strategies, especially over the long term. Not that they’re totally, 100% bad; they can even be life-savers! But long-term, Shit Avoidance doesn’t help us rise to the challenges of life, fix the problems we’re facing, accomplish our meaningful goals, or grow as a person. At…
I’ll never forget the first time I looked at the moon through a telescope. I was in my early 30s, and after having looked at the moon regularly for three decades, it was like I was seeing it for the first time. The vague spots my eyes could see on their own were now cliffs…
The key problem with working on our healing, and improving our lives, is that we don’t like to feel shitty. And it does feel shitty to face the shitty-ness of a sub-optimal way of living. Especially if you’ve lived that way for quite a while. Ugh. So, we turn away from that shit. Or more…
(TW: Description of Torture) Although there’s no denying that life can be hard and people can be saddled with more problems than they can bear, the truth is that most of us are nowhere near to living up to our potential. We know, in some private recess of our consciousness, that if push came to…
As we talked about in Part 10 (post #124), Rational Self Analysis centers on clarifying for yourself Who You Really Are. What do you love doing? What interests or fascinates you? What are your values? What would you like to be doing in, say, 3 years? There are tons of “Who You Really Are” exercises…
“Waking up this morning, I smile;24 brand new hours lay before me;I vow to live fully each moment,And to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.” — morning gatha; Thich Nhat Hanh * * * * * So, I started this practice about 20 years ago, after reading one of TNH’s books. The…
The essence of all three approaches to healing that I am planning to cover is the same. It is rooted in what I have previously called the Doctrine of Original Awesomeness (https://dandolderman.org/2020/09/22/88-jordan-peterson-part-7-psychology-at-the-ending-of-the-world-subsection-2-the-doctrine-of-original-awesomeness/). This, in short, is the basic starting point of Humanism, and is increasingly recognized within the bio-psycho-social sciences as “the way we are”.…
