So what’s the alternative? Do we need more “rules” to help us live like half-decent people who aren’t slobs and losers and depressed and too-agreeable and “weak” and addicted? Do we need more external authority figures structuring our lives for us? Do we need more Dad-advice telling us to clean up our rooms, stand up…
Tag: motivation
74) The Law of Attraction — A Favourite Weapon of Abusers
Ahhhh, the Law of Attraction, that oh-so-lovely-sounding exhortation to focus on the positive. Believe and you can achieve! After all, (Image from https://www.jackcanfield.com/blog/using-the-law-of-attraction/) If you meditate, for example, saying an uplifting phrase in your mind and imagining yourself bathed in a sphere of light, then youʼll be like her: (Image from https://www.jackcanfield.com/blog/using-the-law-of-attraction/) She sure looks…
34) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 4
What are the solutions? Obviously, “get help”. But that’s kind of a cop-out. It’s not like therapists have a magic wand, and then, Healioso Instantantum!!, and Poof, you’re all better. Therapy isn’t magic. It’s hard work. A therapist is like a catalyst; they catalyze your own self-healing. But they can’t do it for you. So…
33) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 3
Another story, after a relationship ended. “She said she had made a list of all the qualities she wanted in a partner. At the end, she concluded, “he has less than half. And none of the important ones.” ……this was the end of my sanity, for a long time. I don’t know why. I just…
32) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 2
Imagine a child who is criticized, constantly. Long-term. Made fun of, humiliated, shamed in front of others. “Why can’t you do anything right?” “Goddammit, you’re useless!” “Shut up….you little shit.” They hear that they are stupid, ugly, pathetic, annoying, too loud, too quiet, too lazy, too….x,y,z…. As a psychologist and teacher, I encounter a lot…
31) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 1
Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s harshness? Criticism? Gas-lighting? Name-calling? Bullying? Shaming? Humiliating? Lying? Well, “sticks and stones may break your bones but words….” Just stop. Right there. Because “words can never hurt you” is absolute, dangerous, bullshit. Words can break your heart, poison your mind, even destroy your life. They…
12) Ninja Training, Part 3: My first Habit
To illustrate the process outlined in earlier posts, I am choosing EXERCISE. This is a good one, because I’ve set it before, have partial success usually, but can never make it stick. When I was 17, and spent my summer earnings from McDonald’s on a universal gym that I then built in my mom’s basement,…
11) Ninja Training, part 2: WISE goals
I am presenting to the world, the Dolderman Theory of Intrinsic Motivation. This is rooted in complex systems thinking, humanistic psychology, and modern integrative social-developmental neuroscience. But for now, let’s stick with the fun, useful part. My claim: WISE goals rule, especially for long-term happiness. They wipe the walls with those silly SMART goals we’re…
10.1) Important theory stuff if you’re skeptical about Intrinsic Motivation
I want to try to make as clear as I can, and briefly, just why Intrinsic motivation gets so much glory. Especially because it can sound idealistic and unconvincing, even cheesy. So we’ve gotta understand it. The core issue is the SOURCE of your motivations. Where do the motivations come from? Inside or outside? …
10) Ninja Training — Habit Change, part 1 (or how to stop “being a loser”)
Important Preamble: Let’s start off with a common understanding here. I am not some motivational guru. No way man, not even close. Here’s the thing –each person in life exists within, and indeed is formed out of, a karmic web of infinite cause and effect relationships, which interact dynamically through vastly complicated feedback loops that…