I believe that Wisdom is about sharing as the default, trusting as the default, being open as the default, and putting your heart on your sleeve, as the default. Obviously, sometimes you will get burned for this, and in those instances, you need to pull back, have good boundaries, and be willing to value yourself…
Category: b) Psychology
166) Thanks Mom: Intergenerational Wisdom, Part 1 — Professor Dolderman
These next two posts are the most difficult pieces of writing I’ve ever made public. Definitely the most personal (which is saying a lot!! lol….). The fact that this was so difficult to write is kind of weird, because these posts are entirely positive. (I mean, there’ll be some negative stuff in here probably,…
164) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 17: “Feeling Seen”
As with our discussions of both Competence and CONTEXT, the fact that social validation is important to us, is pretty obvious. Of course it feels good to be validated, to be accepted, to feel “Seen”! We’ve known that since we were kids and needed, very deeply, for people to pay attention to us. We all…
163) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16: The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 4 — Eating Better
It is worth briefly considering another very common struggle that people have — “eating healthy”. I’m going to let that stand in for whatever general health, weight, body-stuff, nutrition, etc., that involves food in some way. Because your specific goal? That’s up to you. But “eating healthy” is pretty generic. COMPETENCE ANALYSIS: In order…
162) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16 – The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 3 — The Life-Altering Sorcery of Combining CONTEXT with Competence
When thinking about how to effectively use those “Bridges and Barriers” discussed in the last post, one thing that can be especially helpful, is if you can identify KEY ones, really powerful ones. Especially if you can do something about them. Because why burn up all your time and energy on some super-complex behaviour change…
161) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16: The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 2 — The Power of Context
So what does work then? (NOTE: it’s not Personal Responsibility….lol…..) The thing to emphasize for effective goal pursuit is emphatically NOT “taking personal responsibility.” While not COMPLETELY unimportant (obviously), this whole “make your bed” mantra is only a tiny, tiny piece of the puzzle, and if over-focused on, it becomes basically a huge, shaming, blaming, counterproductive,…
160) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16: The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 1: Give Up Your Willpower
This Final Step, is actually the most important. It’s where you learn to actually “make it so”. It’s where you push the Action Button. It’s where you take all your goals and values and all that abstract shit, and you make it Real. It’s where the rubber hits the road. Without this Final Step,…
140) Wow…weird…. I healed: Part 4 – Backlash (or, as my therapist likes to say, “Shame is a tricky bastard”)
If you have a history of trauma, addiction, self-harm, shame — you know, fun things like that — then as you experience growth and healing, you will also likely experience the “backlash” that follows, and can slam you right back down to the bottom. It’s awfully demoralizing, especially if you don’t know what’s happening. You…
139) Wow…weird…. I healed: Part 3 – The Spontaneous, Seemingly-Magical Transformation of Motivation
I do, sincerely and excitedly, want to share my story of healing in detail. It’s going to take some time to fully put it together. In the meantime, for this post, I want to share one of the most – stunning – outcomes of this whole experience. Which, in short, is the “spontaneous transformation of…
138) Wow…weird. I healed: Part 2 — The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Self-Improvement
It is important to recognize (as I obliquely alluded to in the previous post, #137), that when you are “working on self-improvement” in whatever way you are, even “failure” isn’t failure. I truly mean that, not as some cliché but as a deeply-felt truth. Because “working on self-improvement”, even when it “fails”, keeps you open,…
137) Wow…weird. I healed: Part 1 – The struggle and the miracle
Hello Friend, and welcome back! If you have been following my “From Shitty-ness to Well-ness” series on healing from trauma, I have to apologize to you! I had intended to post the final part of the “Rational Self-Analysis” section already, like, months ago. But wouldn’t you know, the strangest thing happened. As odd as it…
136) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 15: FACT Exercise #2 — Choosing Meaning over Control
We’ve talked about the self-defeating nature of our Shit Avoidance Strategies, especially over the long term. Not that they’re totally, 100% bad; they can even be life-savers! But long-term, Shit Avoidance doesn’t help us rise to the challenges of life, fix the problems we’re facing, accomplish our meaningful goals, or grow as a person. At…
135) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 14: FACT Exercise #1 — Focusing
I’ll never forget the first time I looked at the moon through a telescope. I was in my early 30s, and after having looked at the moon regularly for three decades, it was like I was seeing it for the first time. The vague spots my eyes could see on their own were now cliffs…
134) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 13: Avoiding the Shit
The key problem with working on our healing, and improving our lives, is that we don’t like to feel shitty. And it does feel shitty to face the shitty-ness of a sub-optimal way of living. Especially if you’ve lived that way for quite a while. Ugh. So, we turn away from that shit. Or more…
133) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 12: You are strong enough
(TW: Description of Torture) Although there’s no denying that life can be hard and people can be saddled with more problems than they can bear, the truth is that most of us are nowhere near to living up to our potential. We know, in some private recess of our consciousness, that if push came to…
132) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 11: FACT cares about your feelings
As we talked about in Part 10 (post #124), Rational Self Analysis centers on clarifying for yourself Who You Really Are. What do you love doing? What interests or fascinates you? What are your values? What would you like to be doing in, say, 3 years? There are tons of “Who You Really Are” exercises…
124) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 10: Finding out who you really are: Rational self-analysis
The predominant workhorse of the psychological healing world is a family of therapeutic practices and exercises centered on what I call “rational self-analysis”, or more colloquially, finding out “who you really are”. This journey towards “authenticity” is central to most forms of talk therapy, and what most people likely think of when they think of…
121) When you feel you’ve been turned into a newt
“Waking up this morning, I smile;24 brand new hours lay before me;I vow to live fully each moment,And to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.” — morning gatha; Thich Nhat Hanh * * * * * So, I started this practice about 20 years ago, after reading one of TNH’s books. The…
116) Dealing with the Devil: Adventures in parenting, Part 4 — Role-play, kids, and personal growth
So, Siskenet had a pretty interesting discussion with a Lord of Evil eh? What fertile ground has been prepared! And seeded! Such rich soil, such abundant energy, for future conversations and questions about topics like power, compassion, maturation, stereotypes of masculinity, personal responsibility, and Lord (of Evil) knows what else! This is one of…
93) How to Not Murder People, Stay Addicted, or Commit Suicide: Part 2 – The Representativeness Heuristic is Sus
The Representativeness Heuristic is at the heart of much of the shitty things we suffer from. Yep, to the extent that you, and those you care about, have struggled with relationship problems, addictions, emotional issues, and other crappy things, this BOOOOOORING sounding nerd-speak Representativeness Heuristic thingy probably has played a key role in that suffering.…