The key problem with working on our healing, and improving our lives, is that we don’t like to feel shitty. And it does feel shitty to face the shitty-ness of a sub-optimal way of living. Especially if you’ve lived that way for quite a while. Ugh.
So, we turn away from that shit. Or more accurately, we turn towards things that will, in the moment, feel not-so-shitty, or even fun! Bring on the frittering and wasting of hours! Woo hoo!
But imagine for a moment, a baby, who has literally shit themselves, as babies tend to do. They most certainly have a “feeling shitty” problem, and it needs to get dealt with. Unfortunately, their motor cortex is still Under Construction, and they can’t do much except thrash around and cry. So, that’s what they do.
But what happens if the adults around them, like Mom or Dad or the babysitter or whoever, see (or smell) what’s happening and……well, just sorta decide not to do anything about it?
Obviously, things are going to get worse. After not too long, that baby is going to be really suffering. Their distress will increase, their butt will get red and rashy and sore, and they’ll make more and more noise, until they are exhausted.
And what happens if the adults STILL decide to Avoid The Shit? They just turn the TV up louder, maybe have enough drinks that they pass out, or just leave so they don’t have to hear the crying anymore?
Yikes.
It’s upsetting to even think about this!! That poor baby! Clearly SOMEONE needs to change that baby’s diaper! And the longer they don’t, the worse that things are going to get, until eventually they’ll have a medical emergency on their hands.
Well, your problems, my problems, everybody’s problems, are pretty much like that shitty diaper. It’s going to suck to face up to the shit and deal with it. But the more we avoid our problems and turn back to our frittering, the bigger and stinkier that shit gets, the more our suffering increases, and we tick off more of our 30 000 allotted days on Earth merely avoiding our lives.
The only thing we really get better at by avoiding our problems, is avoiding our problems. We become Level 10 Shit Avoiders. Our defence mechanisms, fantasy thinking, distractions and other “coping strategies” become our super-powers. Pretty shitty super-powers, eh? No wonder Marvel and DC don’t have movies about “Avoidance Man” fighting bad guys…. I guess Thor came pretty close for awhile there, but hey, he got his shit together.
A Checklist of Shit Avoidance Strategies
Here are some of the more common Shit Avoidance Strategies that prevent people from healing and improving their lives. I’m sure you’ll recognize some of them….
- distraction (welcome to the internet…)
- pleasure
- entertainment (kind of a combo of the previous two)
- competition and achievement
- “self improvement”
- being enmeshed in relationships
- addiction
- helping people
- being a “healer”
- procrastinating
- creating crises and drama for yourself
- getting caught up in other people’s crises and drama
- comparing yourself to others
- spirituality/religion
- judging other people
- shopping and other consumptive activities
- committing yourself to some Grand Purpose, like saving the world from climate change (I think I met someone like that once….)
- and ironically, thinking about your problems so you can try and find solutions
Most of these are pretty obvious Shit Avoidance Strategies. But some of them might seem a little weird. Like, “helping people”? Spirituality? Achievement? Trying to solve your problems? Aren’t those good things?
Well, it’s all about balance. Sure, it’s good to help people, but if you do this at the expense of facing your shit, then it becomes a Shit Avoidance Strategy.
Consider, if they are unbalanced,
- Spirituality can become “spiritual bypassing”
- Achievement and self-improvement can become ego-gratification, coupled with self-criticism and wishful thinking. (In other posts, I have called this the “self improvement treadmill”).
- Helping other people can become boosting your own ego by feeling superior (Google “wounded healer”). Therapists and Life Coaches are particularly susceptible to this, if they haven’t done their own deep, deep healing. (Google “counter-transference”.)
- Thinking about your problems in the hope that you’ll find solutions can become “rumination”, which is a key cause of depression
- etc.
This recognition is the starting point of FACT (Fast Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which we’re laying the foundation for here). We start by recognizing that we are burning up a lot of our precious lives lost in our Shit Avoidance Strategies.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants their legacy to be “They wanted to live an amazing life, but they never really got around to it.”
Facing the Shit
So are You ready to say “Fuck this shit” and start heading down a new path? If so, then say it, right now.
“Fuck this shit.”
That’s right. Say it again.
“Fuck this shit.”
One more time, with FEELING!
“FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!”
Fucking right. Good for you.
Now, you’ve got that notebook, right? Let’s get started: the next post is Exercise #1. I’ll post it tomorrow.
Cheers.