54) God Masturbates

When did you start masturbating?

I mean, you don’t have to tell ME.  I’m just asking you to reflect.  Although, whatever man, if you want to tell me, that’s fine too.  I’ve been told I’m a good listener.  😉

So, when you started, did you feel guilty about it?  Confused?  Did you worry that it was …..embarrassing?   Weird?  Bad?  EVILLLLL?  Or that the urge to do so meant you had Satan in your heart and you needed the Almighty Lord to “give you strength?”  (Although, that could backfire easily.  If you have more strength, well, you COULD just spend more time masturbating….).  Hell, you might have even feared going blind!!  (Ever wonder why so many people start needing glasses around middle school?….hmmmm…???). 

Next question — were you raised in a Christian-based culture?  (Or are you Jewish, and a guy?  Girls get off easy in Judaism, but not guys unfortunately.).  Uh…pun intended… 

If you were, then yeah, you probably felt guilty about masturbating.  These cultures, especially in the more ‘traditional’ past — you know, the past that people say was so great and virtuous before SECULARISM and ATHEISM started turning us into Godless perverts and cannibals — were not very comfortable with sex, or the biological reality of being an animal, or evolution, premarital sex, anal sex, women having desires (or, pretty much everything related to women, except being virgins and inspiring nice statues), and of course, masturbation.

As mentioned earlier, masturbating was supposed to even make you go blind!!  Holy crap!!  That’s scary.  As if burning in Hell for all eternity isn’t threatening enough, you’ve also gotta stay away from your wanker or va-jay-jay, or else good ol’ loving God up there is gonna cast “Cause Blindness” on you!!  (Now called “Blindness/Deafness” in 5e; 2nd level Cleric spell, btw).  

Now, let’s think about this for a moment.  I’d like to make three key arguments against this.  Why, you ask?  I don’t know.  Maybe we’re just doing a little “intellectual masturbation” here.  hehe…

  1. I know WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more people who masturbate, than I know blind people.  I haven’t exactly avoided getting to know blind people; I have no problem with them or anything.  I just find I don’t meet all that many.  But maaaan, according to conversations I had with lots of people back in university, especially the Human Sexuality class I took once, I’ve met a TON of people who masturbate.  Soooo….the evidence doesn’t seem to support the assertion. 

You’d have to do a real careful scientific study on this.  You know, a double-blind experiment?  Hahahahah

2.People who don’t express their sexual nature seem awfully at-risk for “expressing their sexual nature” in ways that are really harmful to others.  Like — uh….well, Priests?  I heard something about them on the news?  You know? 

And yes, we DO have a sexual nature!  You know, birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it.  From what I’ve learned in the ecological sciences, Nature seems pretty down with doing it “like they do on the Discovery Channel.” 

I think the Church just likes to try and shame people for things by telling them it’s UNNATURAL.  For example, I’ve heard LOADS of people make the argument that homosexuality is bad because “it’s unnatural”.  

Let’s ignore for a moment the gazillion other “natural” animals who engage freely in homosexual activity, OR the fact that all sorts of clearly “unnatural” things are super-cool with these same people — like eyeglasses and frying pans and pipe organs and churches and stuff.  (Hehe…”pipe organs”…)  

And let’s consider the fact that toddlers and small children, who are acting pretty ‘naturally’ when left to their own devices,  are super-down with playing with, yep, ‘their own devices.’  It’s like a toy that has no shelf-life and you didn’t have to wait until someone bought it for you from a store.  AND when you’re sent to your room or put in the dreaded Naughty Spot, you’ve got your very own naughty spot to pass the time with.

Or let’s consider the fact that God gave us clitorises (clitori?), and g-spots and stuff.  He even pulled a real fast one on guys, putting the equivalent of their g-spot up their butts!  Did he do all that just to be a dickhead?  Just to tempt us to do the TERRIBLE THING?  

That seems, first of all ridiculous, and second of all kind of overkill, don’t you think?  There’s already plenty of temptations in the world.  We hardly need tiny bundles of pleasure-nerves just as one additional, avoid-this-or-go-to-Hell(and-go-blind!!) temptation, for those of us who manage to resist all the other things, like: 

— coveting stuff, telling someone their idea is “interesting” when It really isn’t, saying “goddammit” when we poke ourselves in the eye, dissing our parents, speaking in church (if we’re a woman), using company-time to surf the ‘net, eating too many cookies, having a lazy morning of just chillin’, taking a hit off a bong, eating bacon, wearing ripped jeans (D’OH!), giving head, lusting after….anyone, even super-hot celebs!! *gasp*, playing in the NFL on Sundays (pretty funny that religious football players give the glory to God when they score a touchdown eh?  God’s like “You dumb-ass!  It’s SUNDAY!!  Go home!!”  Although, then again, the Sabbath is actually Saturday, so maybe all those ’Sunday shopping’ arguments people had for so many years were just stupid, and God actually LOVES football.  Although He must go LIVID over TSN’s Sports Saturdays….whew, religion is confusing).  

Anyway, yeah, just imagine, you manage to avoid doing ALL THOSE THINGS!  You’re only a couple miracles away from freakin’ Sainthood.  And just to MAKE SURE you’re worthy of the pearly gates, God ALSO gives you an always-available pleasure-bundle.  And then makes your arms pretty much the PERFECT length to get your hands down there.

Seriously, if there weren’t other reasons to be pissed off at God, like, you know, starvation and plagues and putting dinosaur bones in the earth just to confuse us, then THIS does it for me.  

So yah, sorry Thomas Aquinas, and unhappy-looking old preachers telling us that everything that feels good is actually SATANIC — but masturbation seems pretty damn natural!

Hmm, maybe it’s the Church that makes you go blind? And masturbation helps you see? That seems….actually more plausible.

3. God masturbates

Yep, and I can prove it.  

God made “Man” in His own image.  Right?

What do an extremely high proportion of Men (and women, just in case God made them in His image too…), get the natural urge to do on a fairly regular basis?  

Case closed. 

(And why IS Jesus sitting at the right hand of the Father? Hmm, never thought of that before…)

So, next time you’re feeling guilty for needing a hand, then get ahold of yourself, man!  And re-read my blog.  It’ll… come in handy!

😉

Please leave a comment below and let me know what you think! :)

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